HOW TO LIE 101 (BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101)

HOW TO LIE 101
(BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101)

EXCLUSIVE! HOW TO LIE 101 – Part 2 Imah: Firstly, our speech needs a general theme – what is the background story that the lie is going to be about Ajip: True. How about a story about some money... a huge sum of money Imah: Great idea. The money can be a huge sum of illegally-gained money, and the lie will serve as its cover-up Ajip: Right! The illegal money is actually a huge bribe. 6-7 millions! Imah: That's not huge! Let's make it really huge; let's put it as 600 millions! Ajip: Wow! I'm getting very excited now! Imah: Yeah. So the 600 million dollars received as a bribe is actually for some project or some contract or some sales. That would be the background theme. Next we need a cover-up story to explain why we possess that huge sum of money all of a sudden Ajip: What if we lie to the audience and tell them that the money is our rightful, legal commission for facilitating the sales to actually take place? Imah: That's too easy. The prof stressed on “creativity”, remember? Ajip: Then, what do you suggest? Imah: Put a twist. Do not even mention anything about the commission or the sales. We create a different story on how we suddenly have possession of the large sum of money. That'd be our first of many lies Ajip: Um... Imah: I got it! We say the money is a reward we get! A handsome reward for some good deed we have done. Yup, a good deed! That'd be like, our second lie Ajip: Brilliant! Not only we do not admit that we take bribes, or we totally omit from saying anything about any commission, but we also announce to the world that we are good people who do good deeds! You are creative! Imah: Let's add more creativity and make the story more exciting; we say the reward comes from a royal prince Ajip: I agree! A rich prince! Imah: A handsome, young, obscenely rich prince! Ajip: Huh! A rich prince from oil-rich Saudi Arabia! Imah: Right. But we need to be more creative with our story. Why would a rich Arab prince reward us with so much money? Ajip: Um... Imah: Because he loses his money – a huge sum of money – and I find it! Ajip: Right! You find his lost money, a lot of it, and instead of running away with it, you return it! You've done a good deed indeed! Imah: Right. But no! It's not lost money Ajip: No? Why not? Imah: No. It cannot be cash, because it needs to be a very huge sum in order for the reward to be huge as well. And for it to be a very huge sum of cash, it'll have to be in 2-3 trucks fully laden with his bags of cash! Even a blind man cannot lose trucks of bags containing his money? Ajip: Um, yeah, that'd be too lame Imah: He loses his huge sum of money alright, but in the form of cheques! Ajip: Brilliant! A luxurious, branded leather briefcase full of cheques! Imah: No, not a briefcase. Ajip: No? Imah: That'd easily attract too much attention. Other people could have spotted it first and find out about it Ajip: Other people could have seen it first but not know what it really is? Imah: Right; so they just ignore it. It's a box! An ordinary-looking box Ajip: But you, being a nosy woman, just have to peek inside an ordinary-looking box? Imah: No, idiot. My being a careful, motherly self prompts me to investigate what could be inside the box, which I have just found to be lying around unattended Ajip: Um, okay... the box is left in the hotel room where we are to stay for the night! (grinning wide) Imah: No! If a box is left inside a hotel room by a guest before us, the roomkeepers would have found it when they clean and make the room before the next guest checks in, idiot! Ajip: Um, yeah... Imah: The ordinary looking box full of cheques is left by the handsome rich prince from Saudi on a yacht he just spent his autumn vacation on... Ajip: Excellent! No one else cares enough to suspect that an ordinary box can contain very precious things... and there are no cleaners around to have found it first... Imah: There are cleaners if the yacht returns and docks. But in this case there aren't any cleaners because the yacht has not docked Ajip: Er... if the yacht has not docked, how could the prince leave the yacht and get his precious box left behind? Imah: He is an obscenely rich prince, idiot! He lifts off in one of the several private helicopters he owns, of course! We are there having the vacation with him on the yacht, well in the open ocean, but he has to leave urgently Ajip: Yeah... cool... we spending autumn vacation with a rich Saudi prince on a luxurious yacht in the open Mediterranean sea south of France. You truly are creative! Imah: Okay, just keep it as “south of France, in the Mediterranean.” Don't try to get too smart and start giving some coordinates or anything like that. It's not like we are good in geography or anything to do with the sea Ajip: Yeah, just skim at the surface... Imah: Right. Now, because the prince has to leave in a hurry, maybe for some highly important mega-giga project, which is why he cannot wait for the yacht to get to a port but has to get one of his helicopters fish him out from the open sea instead, that makes him forget about his ordinary looking box, and left it on board, only for me to accidentally stumble upon Ajip: So far, so good! ....... to be cont'd....... will the deceptions Imah and Ajip create continue to sound good? wait for Part 3 of their class as the window closes to end our peek...

EKSKLUSIF! BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101 – Bhg 2 Imah: Mula2, ucapan kita perlukan tema am – apa cerita latarbelakang untuk penipuan kita Ajip: Betul, betul. Apa kata, cerita pasal sedikit duit... sedikit duit yang banyak teramat sangat tahap cipan Imah: Bernas! Duit yang teramat-amat banyak tu hasil dari sumber haram, dan penipuan kita nanti untuk menutup kisah sebenar Ajip: Betul! Duit haram tu sebenarnya duit rasuah. 6-7 juta! Imah: Itu tak cukup banyak! Kita buat betul2 banyak yang teramat sangat tahap cipan tahap gaban tahap semua2, lah; kita kata 600 juta! Ajip: Wah! Bertambah menarik ni! Imah: Ha 'ah. Jadi, duit 600 juta yang kita dapat dari rasuah tu, sebenarnya untuk satu projek, atau satu kontrek, atau satu jualbeli. Itulah tema latarbelakang cerita kita. Lepas tu, kita perlu ada cerita bagaimana kita boleh ada duit sebanyak tu dengan tiba2 Ajip: Apa kata kita kelentong je katakan duit tu memang hak kita yang sah sebagai komisen tolong uruskan biar jualbeli tu betul2 berlaku Imah: Itu mudah sangat. Ingat tak, prof tekankan “seni” tadi Ajip: Habis tu, apa yang awak cadangkan? Imah: Buatlah lipat baring sikit. Jangan sebut apa2 pun pasal komisen atau jualbeli. Kita reka cerita lain kenapa tiba2 kita ada duit banyak tu. Itulah penipuan pertama kita, dari banyak yang lain lagi Ajip: Hm... Imah: Ha, dapat! Kita cakap duit tu, kita dapat hadiah! Hadiah saguhati yang besar yang kita dapat sebab buat satu kebajikan. Ha 'ah, kebajikan! Itu jadi penipuan kedua kita Ajip: Bijak, bijak! Bukan setakat kita tak mengaku terima rasuah, atau kita langsung tak cakap apa2 pasal duit komisen, tapi kita jugak buat pengumuman yang kita ni orang2 baik yang suka buat kebajikan! Awak ada seni, lah! Imah: Kita tambah seni cerita kita biar lebih menarik lagi; kita kata saguhati tu kita dapat dari putera raja Ajip: Setuju, setuju! Putera raja yang kaya! Imah: Putera raja yang kacak, muda, dan kaya tahap gila! Ajip: Hah! Putera yang kaya dari Arab Saudi yang kaya dengan minyak! Imah: Bagus tu. Tapi kita kena lebih seni lagi ni. Kenapa pulak putera Arab yang kaya beri kita saguhati duit yang banyak? Ajip: Hm... Imah: Sebab dia kehilangan duit dia – duit yang sangat sangat banyak – dan saya yang jumpa! Ajip: Betul tu! Awak terjumpa duit dia yang hilang, duit dia yang teramat sangat banyak, tapi awak tak ambik lari duit tu, sebaliknya awak pulangkan! Memanglah awak buat kebajikan tu! Imah: Betul. Tapi bukan! Bukannya duit hilang Ajip: Bukan? Kenapa pulak? Imah: Bukan. Tak boleh duit tunai, sebab kalau saguhatinya banyak, duit yang hilang mesti berganda banyak jugak. Kalau duit tunai banyak sampai macam tu, dah kena 2-3 lori sarat bawak beg penuh dengan duit dia! Orang buta pun takkan hilang lori dia yang sarat dengan duit? Ajip: Ha 'ah, tak masuk akal pulak Imah: Dia memang kehilangan duit yang banyak sangat2, tapi dalam bentuk cek! Ajip: Bijak! Beg kulit yang kelas ada jenama, yang penuh dengan cek! Imah: Tak, bukan beg macam tu Ajip: Tak? Imah: Beg macam tu mudah tarik perhatian. Orang lain boleh nampak dulu dan tahu pasal isi dia Ajip: Orang lain boleh jadi nampak dulu, tapi tak tahu pun apa yang sebenarnya? Imah: Iye. Jadi dia orang abaikan je. Kotak! Kotak yang nampak biasa je Ajip: Tapi, awak ni seorang perempuan yang penyibuk, jadi mestilah kena intai jugak apa yang ada dalam kotak yang nampak biasa je tu, kan? Imah: Bukanlah, bodoh. Saya seorang wanita yang bersifat keibuan, yang prihatin, jadi dengan semulajadi je pergi siasat apa yang mungkin ada dalam kotak tu, yang diletak bersepah je Ajip: Hm, ye lah... kotak tu tertinggal dalam bilik hotel yang kita sewa untuk malam tu! (tersengih lebar) Imah: Tak! Kalau kotak tu tertinggal dalam bilik hotel oleh orang yang sewa bilik tu sebelum kita, pekerja hotel mestilah dah jumpa kotak tu masa berkemas sebelum tetamu lain masuk, bodoh! Ajip: Hm, betul gak... Imah: Kotak biasa yang penuh dengan cek tu, tertinggal oleh putera Arab yang kaya dan kacak tu, atas bot mewah yang dia naik untuk percutian di musim luruh... Ajip: Hebat! Orang lain tak cukup prihatin nak terfikir dalam kotak biasa tu ada barang sangat berharga, dan di situ pun takde pekerja tukang kemas yang mungkin terjumpa kotak tu dulu... Imah: Tukang kemas ada, kalau bot mewah tu pulang berlabuh. Tapi untuk keadaan ni, takde pekerja sebab bot tu belum berlabuh Ajip: Eh... kalau bot mewah tu belum berlabuh, macam mana putera raja tu boleh turun dari bot dan tertinggal kotak mahal dia tu? Imah: Ini kan putera raja yang teramat sangat kaya tahap mega, bodoh! Mestilah dia tinggalkan bot mewah tu naik salah satu dari berapa banyak helikopter peribadi dia ada! Kita pun sama bercuti atas bot mewah tu, jauh kat laut dalam, tapi dia terpaksa cepat-cepat pergi Ajip: Wah... sempoi... kita bercuti di musim luruh dengan seorang putera raja Arab, atas bot mewah, jauh di tengah2 Laut Mediterranean di selatan Perancis. Sah awak memang seni! Imah: Iye, tapi cuma hadkan “di selatan Perancis di Laut Mediterranean.” Jangan nak berlagak pandai sangat, pergi beri koordinat ke apa ke. Kita bukannya bagus sangat pasal geografi ke atau apa2 pasal laut Ajip: Ha 'ah. Sentuh sepintas lalu je... Imah: Betul. Sekarang ni, disebabkan putera raja tu kena tiba2 pergi, mungkin sebab projek mega-giga dia yang penting sangat, sebab tu lah dia tak boleh tunggu bot balik pelabuhan, sebaliknya suruh helikopter peribadi datang angkat dia pergi, itulah yang sampai terlupa pasal kotak dia yang nampak biasa je tu. Itu yang tertinggal atas bot; itu yang saya secara tak sengaja terjumpa Ajip: Setakat ni semua cantik! ....... akan bersambung....... adakah cerita putarbelit Ajip dan Imah akan terus jadi lebih cantik? nantikan Bahagian 3 kelas mereka sebagai penutup lubang tempat kita mengintai...