HOW TO LIE 101 (BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101)


HOW TO LIE 101
(BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101)



HOW TO LIE 101
– Part 3 (Final)



Ajip: Okay. So you found this box of cheques belonging to the prince. And you're supposed to return it to him. How do you do that?

Imah: I hand the box over to the driver, the pilot, whatever, of the yacht...
Ajip: The manager
Imah: Manager? Well, yeah, I hand it to the manager of the yacht, telling him it is some very important stuff belonging to the Saudi prince, telling him to return it to the prince once he returns to dock, and telling to him to take really good care of the box in the meantime
Ajip: Okay, but you do not tell the manager that the box contains money or cheques
Imah: Right
Ajip: And you actually reiterate to the manager to take extremely good care of the box, and to not do anything else to it except to personally and immediately return it to the prince once the yacht gets back to land
Imah: Right, that'd be stressing to our audience that indeed I am being very concern and very honest to get the cheques returned to the prince

Ajip: Right. But, I seem to have forgotten, why are we spending autumn vacation on a luxury yacht with a Saudi prince, in the first place?
Imah: Because we are also VIP's, and we receive an exclusive invitation to spend a luxury cruise in the Mediterranean aboard the yacht
Ajip: The yacht belongs to the prince too?
Imah: No. If it does, the manager works for him. Then I don't have to be overly concerned that the manager would not hand back the box to his boss
Ajip: Logical. So who invites us and the rich prince to a luxury cruise on the yacht?

Imah: Another prince. Another obscenely rich prince. A Kuwaiti prince
Ajip: Excellent! Kuwait is oil-rich too!

Imah: The Kuwaiti prince is actually a good friend of our son
Ajip: Son?
Imah: Yes, not daughter. Don't give out any suggestion that this is about boyfriend-girlfriend thing. There'd be other issues cropping up that we may struggle to answer!
Ajip: And he is a good friend of a Kuwaiti prince? Who are we again?

Imah: We are VIP's. VVIP's. We are the Prime Minister and the First Lady of Malaysia

Ajip: Cool! I am the Prime Minister of Malaysia and you are my wife! (grinning wide)
Imah: Yup. Once we get back to land, we return to Malaysia right away. Then the Saudi prince calls to thank me
Ajip: We are still feeling tired from the jet-lag but we take his phone call anyway. This would further stress to our audience that we are indeed nice people. Not bribery takers, he he.
Imah: No, he does not call on the same day
Ajip: No?
Imah: We do not know when the manager gets to see him. The manager is from Kuwait – he works for the Kuwaiti prince, remember? The manager needs to get to Saudi first to return the box. That'd probably take place a day later

Ajip: So the Saudi prince calls the next day. We may still be experiencing jet-lag, you know
Imah: Remember that the Saudi prince leaves in a hurry for some important matter? That means he is a very busy man. It may not be the next day. It could be several days after
Ajip: Okay, let's say 1 week later

Imah: Let's say 2 weeks later
Ajip: Okay. Two weeks later the Saudi prince calls to thank you

Imah: And to offer a huge reward for my honesty
Ajip: Right. The Saudi prince calls you to thank you and to reward you


Imah: The rich, young and handsome Saudi prince calls me to thank me and to offer a handsome reward for my honesty

Ajip: Right
Imah: Right. But here's where we throw in another twist to our story

Ajip: Um...
Imah: I am the First Lady of Malaysia, so I need to show that I care for the people of Malaysia

Ajip: Right
Imah: So I thank the prince back for his kind generosity, but I tell the prince that I'd rather have him give the reward to the people of Malaysia instead
Ajip: The people first...
Imah: Right. This, again, stresses my kindness, and shifts any attention away from the bribe or commission

Ajip: Excellent public relation exercise
Imah: For myself, yes. We also throw in another public relation exercise for you too, which is highly important, considering you are the Prime Minister
Ajip: How'd we do that?
Imah: By getting you involved in this “people first” thingy as well

Ajip: Um...
Imah: I'd say that once I receive the huge reward from the grateful Saudi prince, I sit down and discuss the whole thing with you first

Ajip: You consult me...

Imah: And you advise me to deal with the reward money quickly and efficiently by distributing it to deserving and needy groups


Ajip: Okay...
Imah: We both agree to distribute the money to a few charity organizations, like the AIDS Foundation, the Disabled Persons Association...
Ajip: The Association of Retired Armed Forces Personnel...
Imah: The Brownies...
Ajip: The Wives-of-MP's Club... don't forget that. They are strong supporters of the First Lady and the Prime Minister
Imah: True! Cronies must not be left out from monetary rewards, or they'd turn their backs on you
Ajip: Worse, they'd stab your back!

Imah: Yup...
Ajip: Well, okay then... I think we have got everything covered
Imah: Yup, I believe we have come up with a brilliant cover-up to the bribery money, which ultimately gets laundered as charities

Ajip: Charities which uplift our image as caring, kind Prime Minister and First Lady, in the eyes of our audience, the people

Imah: But not all of it! Remember that the bribe we get is 600 millions! We only launder a small portion to charities, just as a cover-up, an attention-shifter, and to cover the mouths of close circle of people who may know the real thing. The bulk of the money is still ours to keep and spend!

Ajip: Hear ye, hear ye! Brilliant! Oh, but wait! We have forgotten one very important thing!
Imah: And what would that be, Mr. Prime Minister?
Ajip: We forgot to show that we are really clean... we must include the Anti-Corruption Agency somewhere in our storyline... doing their noble official work for us of course – this way we can really jam the door shut from any busybody detective wannabes!
Imah: Now you're talking! Superb idea! Well, we can easily slot that in our story. We say that once we have discussed on what to do with the huge amount, we call in senior officers from the Anti-Corruption Commission, not Agency anymore, and let them know about the whole story and be witnesses when we hand out the portions to the charities. Easy!

Ajip: Ha ha, wonderful!
Prof: Excellent pack of lies! Well, honestly I am not sure how your audience is going to receive it , considering the general storyline you have chosen to create your speech upon, which to me personally, sounds a bit too ludicrous. But once you get past that storyline, I definitely can say that your build-ups, the detailed elements, the generalized issues, and the structuring of your lies within the big lie, they are all superb, and make an excellent pack of lies! After graduating college, I am very sure that the two of you can pair up and work the political ladder all the way up right to the very top!






this is all we are able to peek at...
Note: The above are only meant as a general knowledge to prepare ourselves from being too naive and gullible. Do not imitate the above acts at home. Or anywhere else. These dangerous acts are done by professional liars with years of training and experience. With no conscience towards the well-being of others. And with no awareness/fear towards the pledged threat of being roasted in Hell!


BAGAIMANA MENGELENTONG 101
– Bhg 3 (Akhir)


Ajip: Baiklah. Sekarang awak terjumpa kotak penuh berisi cek milik putera tu. Dan awak nak pulangkan. Macam mana awak nak buat?
Imah: Saya serahkan kotak tu pada pemandu bot mewah tu, jurupandu, jurumudi, apa2 lah...
Ajip: Pengurus
Imah: Pengurus? Yelah, saya serahkan pada pengurus bot mewah tu; saya cakap benda tu perkara penting milik putera Arab tu dan suruh dia pulangkan sebaik saja dia balik berlabuh, dan sementara tu suruh dia jaga kotak tu elok2
Ajip: Baik. Tapi awak jangan beritahu pengurus tu yang kotak tu ada duit atau cek
Imah: Betul
Ajip: Dan awak tekankan pada pengurus tu supaya betul2 menjaga kotak tu sepenuhnya dan jangan buat apa2 selain memulangkan sendiri kepada putera Arab tu dengan serta-merta sebaik saja bot mewah tu balik berlabuh
Imah: Ha 'ah, itu akan betul2 menunjukkan kepada pendengar yang saya memang prihatin dan ikhlas inginkan cek2 itu dikembalikan kepada putera Arab tu
Ajip: Betul. Tapi saya dah lupalah, macam mana kita boleh bercuti di musim luruh atas bot mewah dengan putera Arab tu?

Imah: Sebab kita pun orang2 penting, VIP, dan kita terima jemputan khas berlayar di Mediterranean atas bot mewah tu
Ajip: bot mewah tu pun milik putera Arab tu?
Imah: Tak. Kalau milik dia, pengurus tu pun pekerja dia. Jadi takdelah saya risau sangat pengurus tu tak pulangkan kotak milik majikan dia sendiri
Ajip: Masuk akal. Jadi siapalah yang jemput kita berlayar sekali dengan putera kaya tu atas bot mewah?
Imah: Satu lagi putera raja. Satu lagi putera raja yang kaya tahap mega. Putera raja Kuwait
Ajip: Cantik! Kuwait pun kaya gila dengan minyak jugak!
Imah: Sebenarnya putera raja Kuwait tu kawan baik anak kita
Ajip: Anak lelaki?
Imah: Iye, bukan anak perempuan. Jangan beri apa2 yang mencadangkan ini hal boyfriend-girlfriend. Nanti timbul macam2 isu lain yang susah kita nak jawab!
Ajip: Dan anak lelaki kita ni kawan baik dengan putera raja Kuwait? Kita ni siapa?
Imah: Kita kan orang2 penting. Sangat sangat penting, VVIP. Kita ni Perdana Menteri Malaysia dan Wanita Pertama
Ajip: Sempoi! Saya Perdana Menteri Malaysia, dan awak isteri saya! (tersengih lebar)
Imah: Ha 'ah. Sebaik kita berlabuh di darat, kita terus pulang ke Malaysia. Lepas tu, putera Arab tu telefon saya untuk ucap terimakasih
Ajip: Kita masih penat lepas penerbangan tapi kita tetap terima panggilan telefon dia. Ini tunjukkan pada pendengar yang kita ni memang orang baik2. Bukan orang ambik rasuah, he he
Imah: Tak. Dia tak telefon saya hari yang sama
Ajip: Tak?
Imah: Kita tak tahu pun bila pengurus tu dapat jumpa dia. Dahlah pengurus tu dari Kuwait – kan dia pekerja putera Kuwait tu, ingat? Pengurus tu terpaksa pergi ke Arab Saudi dulu barulah dapat pulangkan kotak tu. Mungkin esoknya
Ajip: Jadi putera Arab tu telefon esoknya. Kita mungkin masih kepenatan jugak
Imah: Ingat tak putera Arab tu terpaksa pergi serta-merta sebab hal penting? Jadi dia seorang yang sangat sibuk. Jadi tak semesti esoknya dia telefon. Mungkin beberapa hari lepas tu
Ajip: Baiklah, kita kata 1 minggu lepas tu
Imah: Kita kata 2 minggu lepas tu
Ajip: Yelah. Dua minggu kemudian putera Arab tu telefon nak cakap terimakasih pada awak
Imah: Dan nak hadiahkan saguhati sebab kejujuran saya
Ajip: Betul. Putera Arab tu telefon awak nak ucap terimakasih pada awak dan nak hadiahkan saguhati pada awak
Imah: Putera Arab yang kaya, muda dan kacak tu telefon saya nak ucap terimakasih pada saya dan nak hadiahkan saguhati yang banyak sangat sebab saya jujur
Ajip: Iye
Imah: Ha 'ah. Tapi kat sini kita tambah lagi satu lipat baring kat cerita kita ni
Ajip: Hm...
Imah: Saya Wanita Pertama Malaysia, jadi saya kena tunjukkan yang saya prihatin terhadap rakyat Malaysia
Ajip: Betul
Imah: Jadi saya ucap terimaksih balik pada putera Arab tu sebab murah hati, tapi saya beritahu dia yang saya lebih suka jika dia beri hadiah tu pada rakyat Malaysia
Ajip: Rakyat didulukan...
Imah: Betul. Ini sekali lagi menekankan kebaikan diri saya, dan melencongkan sebarang perhatian daripada rasuah atau komisen tu
Ajip: Langkah perhubungan awam yang sangat bijak
Imah: Untuk saya, iye. Tapi kita kena jugak tambah satu lagi ayat perhubungan awam untuk awak, yang juga sangat penting sebab awak ni Perdana Menteri Malaysia
Ajip: Macam mana nak buat?
Imah: Dengan membabitkan awak bersama untuk aspek “rakyat didulukan” ni...
Ajip: Hm...
Imah: Saya akan cakap sebaik saja saya terima saguhati yang banyak daripada putera Arab tu, saya duduk bincangkan kesemuanya dengan awak dulu
Ajip: Awak mendapatkan nasihat saya...
Imah: Dan awak nasihatkan saya supaya menguruskan duit tu dengan segera dan berkesan, supaya agihkan duit tu pada kumpulan yang berhak dan memerlukan
Ajip: Baiklah...
Imah: Kita sama2 setuju agihkan duit tu pada sebilangan pertubuhan amal, macam Yayasan AIDS, Persatuan Orang2 Cacat...

Ajip: Persatuan Bekas Perajurit...

Imah: Pandu Puteri...
Ajip: Kelab Isteri2 Wakil Parlimen... jangan lupa tu. Itulah penyokong kuat Perdana Menteri dan Wanita Pertama
Imah: Betul! Kroni tak boleh diabaikan dari saguhati duit, nanti dia orang abaikan kita
Ajip: Paling teruk, nanti dia orang tikam dari belakang!
Imah: Iye...
Ajip: Baiklah... Rasanya kita dah dapat semuanya
Imah: Ha 'ah, saya pun yakin kita dah buat satu cerita bijak yang boleh menutup isu duit rasuah tu, yang akhirnya dicuci dan dikitar dalam kerja amal
Ajip: Kerja2 amal yang mengangkat watak kita jadi Perdana Menteri dan Wanita Pertama Malaysia yang prihatin dan baik pada pandangan pendengar, iaitu rakyat
Imah: Tapi bukan semua! Ingat duit rasuah yang kita dapat 600 juta! Kita cuma cuci dan kitar sebahagian kecil je dalam kerja amal tu, cuma buat menutup isu je, buat mengalih pandangan, dan jugak untuk menutup mulut kalangan yang rapat yang mungkin tau hal sebenar. Sebilangan besar duit tu kita simpan dan belanja untuk diri sendiri, lah!
Ajip: Setuju, setuju! Bijak! Oh, tapi tunggu kejap! Kita terlupa satu yang sangat penting!
Imah: Apa pulak lagi, Tuan Perdana Menteri?
Ajip: Kita lupa tunjuk kita betul2 bersih... kita kena libatkan Badan Pncegah Rasuah kat mana2 dalam cerita kita... buat kerja murni secara rasmi untuk kita – barulah kita betul2 tutup rapat pintu dari mana2 penyiasat penyibuk yang cuba tunjuk bakat!
Imah: Barulah kamu nak tunjuk kepandaian! Bernas! Baik, mudah je nak selitkan dalam cerita kita. Kita kata sebaik kita bincang apa nak buat dengan duit yang banyak tu, kita terus panggil pegawai atasan Suruhanjaya Rasuah, bukan Badan lagi lah, dan beritahu pasal keseluruhan cerita, dan suruh saksikan bila kita agihkan duit2 pada badan2 kebajikan tu. Senang je!
Ajip: Ha ha, cantik!
Prof: Gagasan penipuan yang mantap! Sebenarnya, saya tak begitu pasti macam mana pendengar kamu akan menerimanya, berdasarkan cerita latarbelakang yang kamu pilih sebagai asas ucapan kamu, yang saya sendiri rasakan agak mengarut. Tapi jika ditolak ke tepi latarbelakang tu, saya memang katakan pengolahan kamu, intipati2 yang terperinci, beberapa isu yang disentuh secara am sahaja, dan cara penyusunan setiap pembohongan kamu dalam penipuan keseluruhan, kesemuanya adalah jitu dan menghasilkan satu gagasan pembohongan yang mantap! Selepas lulus dari kolej, saya yakin kamu berdua boleh berpasangan dan mendaki dalam bidang politik sampailah ke kemuncak tertinggi!

sekian sahaja yang sempat kita intai...
Nota: Yang dibentangkan di atas semata2 hanya sebagai pengetahuan am untuk menyediakan diri kita daripada menjadi lurus bendul dan mudah dikelentong. Jangan tiru gelagat di atas di rumah. Atau di mana2 saja. Perbuatan bahaya ini dibuat oleh kaki2 tipu profesional yang ada bertahun2 latihan dan pengalaman. Yang tiada berhatiperut terhadap kesejahteraan orang lain. Dan yang tiada keprihatinan/ketakutan terhadap amaran kena panggang dalam Neraka!








1 comment:

che guava said...

hahah lawak2..keep posting!!

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